Language Is Confusing - Why Aren't Green Grocers Green?

My grandmother would say the English language has gone to hell in a handbasket. I agree; but because I didn't know where that saying came from, I Googled it. I found out that in 1714 the governor of Piscataqua said something about giving his head in a handbasket before passing something. Then, of course, I had to Google Piscataqua to find out it's an area in New Hampshire.

I never found out the derivation of the phrase or when handbasket became two words, but I did find out that in 1629 telling someone to go to heaven with a wheelbarrow meant the same thing as telling them to go to hell. That might be useful someday, but I digress.

If Grandmother were still alive, she'd know we don't speak English anymore. We speak American. No self-respecting Englishman would say bad when he meant good or say he goes instead of he says.

When foreigners apologize to me for their broken English, I apologize for not being able to speak their language at all. If I hadn't been born here, I don't think my broken English could ever be put together.

Speaking American is as faddish as hula hoops and pet rocks. Something that was good became neat and neat became cool and cool became rad or was it bad? A girl became a doll and a skirt and then a babe and a chick. A fad is defined as a passing fashion. Maybe fad words won't have a leg to stand on longer than bell-bottom pants did.

If I had a dollar for every time I told my sons to watch what they said, I could have paid someone to watch for me. Of course, I grew through my own swearing stage as I tried to become independent. I succeeded. I was independently alone in my room a lot.

Then there's speaking with our bodies. If leaning forward means interested and leaning backward means withdrawn, does slouched mean bored or that the person has bad posture? Because John's making our bed or putting gas in my car says love to me, I've decided that when we speak without words, we're less likely to misspeak.

Why does one and won make two? Can a writer do no wrong? Mandate, manage, manual, manufacture - if I put the letter "I" in the word manly, would people think I'm mainly trying to womanize our language?

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KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com

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